Monthly Archives: October 2011

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

“It would be easy enough, then, to deduce that communication is the key to marriage, but I don’t agree. To say that communication is the key to marriage is to assume that both spouses speak the same language. I have learned that in fact, the wife speaks a ‘love language’ and the husband speaks a ‘respect language.’ They don’t realize this, of course, but because he is speaking one kind of language (respect) and she is speaking another (love), there is little or no understanding and little or no communication.” 

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

Several years ago, I would not have agreed with this quote. I would have said that spouses can communicate no matter what. But the longer I am married, and after realizing how true this really is, I am amazed at what a difference it can make in your marriage.

Understanding this concept has truly changed the way that I interact with my husband. In the past, I would get upset if he didn’t do things the way that I wanted him to. Or, if he wasn’t responding how I would respond. Now I realize that we have very different languages and we respond differently to many things.

A few years ago, we did a small group at our church on the book ‘Love & Respect‘ by Dr. Eggerichs. It was a great way to talk about different challenges that we have as men and women and how we interact with each other. I learned so much from reading the book and discussing it with other couples. We’ve also read ‘The Five Love Languages‘ by Gary Chapman. These are both extremely insightful books that help you understand some of the ways you are different and possibly solve some of the ongoing disputes you’ve had over and over again.

 

Wall post with love in different languages. Ta...

Image via Wikipedia

 

One of the biggest lessons I learned is how much my husband needs to feel respected. To him, it is what keeps him going. If he’s not getting it, he is going to be cranky and irritated and have little motivation to show love to me. It’s how he feels loved. He used to try to tell me this, but I didn’t want to hear it. I felt like he was just being immature and needing far more attention than I had time to give while working full time and raising two little boys. I thought he should just “man up” and deal with it. The less respect I showed him, the more irritated we each got with our situation. It was a never ending cycle.

He certainly wasn’t going to go out of his way to help me with anything if I wasn’t showing him respect. And I would get mad that he wasn’t helping or pulling his share of the load, which are things that help me to feel loved.

Now that we understand this, our marriage is different. I can sense when he is not feeling respected, and he can sense when I am not feeling loved. It has made a huge difference in our marriage.

Have you read either of the books? What changes have these concepts made in your marriage?

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed under Love, Marriage, Respect

New blog – Please read!

I have now started blogging at http://www.tammyhelfrich.wordpress.com/

Please follow me there. I will eventually be taking this site down. Thanks!

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Drifting apart

When you are with someone for a long time, there can often be periods that just don’t feel right.  Life becomes a routine. You are so used to the other person being there that you start taking things for granted or stop doing them altogether. Lots of things.

 ~ Like talking to each other about something more than just the daily tasks

~ Like showing them that you care they are around

~ Like kissing hello and goodbye

~ Like reaching over to touch each other just because

~ Like talking to your spouse respectfully

~ Like praising your spouse publicly instead of belittling them

~ Like dating your spouse

~ Like being thankful for the spouse you have

~ Like praying for your spouse

And before you know it, when you are not doing some of these things, you can become unhappy. You drift apart. You wonder how you got here. You start to wonder what it would be like if you were just alone.

Would it be easier?

You wish things were different, but it seems like too much work to try to get back to happier days.  But, things CAN change.  Every day is new. No matter where you are in your marriage, you can choose to do something different today.

~ You can choose to be the one to make the effort

~ You can choose to speak differently

~ You can choose to go out of your way to do something nice

~ You can choose to tell them how much you love them

~ You can choose to push through the tough times

I know it can be done because we’ve been there. We’ve treated each other badly. We’ve taken each other for granted. We’ve gone through periods of not working on our marriage. And it’s not fun.

However, choosing to make different choices can be very fun. It can ignite something you forgot you had. It can help you appreciate your spouse again. It can help you live again.

So which do you prefer? What are you choosing to do differently today?

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Marriage

Marriage

Image by Lel4nd via Flickr

My husband and I just recently celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary. We started dating over 21 years ago!

Many people have congratulated us on staying together this long. I realize that in today’s world, staying married is actually a big accomplishment to some. I have to say that sometimes that still surprises me.

My parents were married for 31 years before my Dad passed away in his early 50’s. My in-laws have been married for 44 years. We have had good examples of people staying married all around us. And, for us, there just hasn’t been any other option.

Does that mean that it is easy? No.

Does that mean that we have never had major struggles? No.

Does that mean that sometimes we don’t want to strangle each other? No.

Does that mean that having kids was picture perfect and made everything great? No.

Does that mean that we haven’t had challenges where I actually considered divorce an option? No.

Does that mean that we love each other no matter what? Yes.

In the next few posts, I am planning to dive deeper into marriage. I will be writing about what we’ve learned over the last few years, as we have had to work hard to rediscover why our marriage is important, and help reshape it into what we wanted it to be.

It has been incredibly difficult at times, but exciting and rewarding.  My hope is that you will find something in these posts that encourages you and helps you. If not, I know that writing will help me continue to be intentional about applying these things in my own marriage. Because sometimes I need to be reminded of it as well.

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A Big Challenge

A few months ago, I attended Jon Acuff’s Quitter conference. We saw Jon and others wearing these cool, bright watches.

At the end of the conference, they gave us all a watch!

In addition to the watch being cool, I loved the concept behind it. Each purchase provides food and education to children in poverty. Now that is something that I absolutely love!

So, when I heard that they were now partnering with another organization, Africa New Life in Rwanda, to sponsor street boys, I wanted to know how I could help.

I have decided to take on a big challenge. I agreed to be a Team Captain. My goal is to have 70 people buy a watch. This will fund Fred’s meals and education for an entire year!

Here is a link to more information about Fred: HTTP://BIT.LY/PED52D 

I love that you are getting something neat, and helping someone change their future at the same time.  Thank you for considering to support Team Fred!!

You can go here to order: http://hellosomebody.bigcartel.com/product/watches

Be sure to read the note below regarding putting Fred’s name in the note field. This will help keep track of the team progress. Thank you!

 

When orders are placed the child’s name must be entered in the “note” field to help us keep track of who has reached their goals. It’s a small and easy to miss line that says “Note to seller” in which you click on and it opens the note field. Use this picture below as reference.

 

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Filed under Hello Somebody, Quitter Conference

Leaving a Legacy – Reposted from Oct. 5, 2011

“Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”   Steve Jobs

Tonight we learned that Steve Jobs passed away. I’ll admit it. I’m not an Apple freak. I have many friends who are. I do have multiple Apple products and I really like them, but I am not one who has to have the newest Apple product the minute it comes out. However, you can’t deny the amazing impact that Steve had on technology and how we have access to things we never knew we needed. He was truly a visionary and an amazing creator. His ideas and innovations changed our world.

Reflecting on all of the news coverage, and stopping to realize how he has truly impacted all of us, even if we have competitors’ products, is pretty amazing.

He was a dreamer.

He was a leader.

 He created things that there was no immediate need for, and somehow created a need for them.

He was able to push forward when people told him his ideas would never work.

He wanted to change the world. And he did.

I can’t help but wonder how many people told him he would never invent the things he dreamed about. That he would never be able to make things better. That it just couldn’t be done. I’m sure there were many. But he didn’t listen. He believed in his dreams. He knew that they were wrong.

How many of us have dreams of making the world a better place?

How many of us want to make a difference?

How many of us are actually taking steps to make it happen?

Or are we letting the craziness of life get in our way?

Are we listening to the many critics who say our dreams can never happen because they are too afraid to believe in their own dream?

Are we listening to the own voices in our head that tell us we can’t?

The truth is that we can always take one step forward. We CAN make an impact. We can start in our family. Then our neighborhood, and our workplace, and our community. And on and on and on.

Don’t stop pressing toward your dream. Take that next step. Don’t let life pass you by. Do it today. Because none of us know if we will see tomorrow. And if we’re crazy enough to believe it, we can change the world.

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Filed under Belief, Dreams, Persistence

Wooden Heart

This song and video both disturbs and moves me. The first time I watched it, thanks to Jon Acuff (www.jonacuff.com), I couldn’t understand all of the words. And his performance was different than anything I had seen before.

It made me uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable.

But, there was something haunting and beautiful about it. Then, when I read the words, I was blown away. They are extremely powerful. He is an amazing writer.

What are your thoughts? Does it move you the way it moved me?

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Leaving a Legacy

“Because the people who are crazy enough
 to think they can change the world,
 are the ones who do.”
 Steve Jobs

Tonight we learned that Steve Jobs passed away. I’ll admit it. I’m not an Apple freak. I have many friends who are. I do have multiple Apple products and I really like them, but I am not one who has to have the newest Apple product the minute it comes out.  However, you can’t deny the amazing impact that Steve had on technology and how we have access to things we never knew we needed. He was truly a visionary and an amazing creator. His ideas and innovations changed our world.

Reflecting on all of the news coverage, and stopping to realize how he has truly impacted all of us, even if we have competitors’ products, is pretty amazing.

He was a dreamer.

He was a leader.

He created things that there was no immediate need for, and somehow created a need for them.

He was able to push forward when people told him his ideas would never work.

He wanted to change the world. And he did.

I can’t help but wonder how many people told him he would never invent the things he dreamed about. That he would never be able to make things better. That it just couldn’t be done. I’m sure there were many. But he didn’t listen. He believed in his dreams. He knew that they were wrong.

How many of us have dreams of making the world a better place?

How many of us want to make a difference?

How many of us are actually taking steps to make it happen?

Or are we letting the craziness of life get in our way?

Are we listening to the many critics who say our dreams can never happen because they are too afraid to believe in their own dream?

Are we listening to the own voices in our head that tell us we can’t?

The truth is that we can always take one step forward. We CAN make an impact. We can start in our family. Then our neighborhood, and our workplace, and our community. And on and on and on.

Don’t stop pressing toward your dream. Take that next step. Don’t let life pass you by. Do it today. Because none of us know if we will see tomorrow. And if we’re crazy enough to believe it, we can change the world.








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Filed under Belief, Dreams, Persistence